No-Body and Some-Body.

Original spelling; style made consistent.
Transcribed by Barb Flues and Robert S. Brazil, copyright © 2009
Edited and designed for the web by Robert Sean Brazil, copyright © 2009


With the true Chronicle Historie of Elydure,
who was fortunately three several times
crowned King of England.

The true Copy thereof, as it hath been acted
by the Queens Majesties Servants.

Printed for John Trundle, and are to be sold
at his shopin Barbican, at the signe of No-body.

Part 2

(Enter Archigallo crownd, Elidure, Peridure, Vigenius, Cornwell, Martianus and others.)

QUEENE: Welcome from banishment, my loving Lord.
Your Kinglie presence wraps my soule to heaven.

ARCHIGALLO: To heaven, and my kind brother Elidure,
Faire Queene, we owe chiefe thanks, for this our greatnes.
Next them, these honourable Lords.

CORNWELL: Great Queene,
Once more the tribute of my bended knees
We pay to you, and humbly kisse your hand.

MARTIANUS: So doth Martianus.



QUEENE: Our brothers, by how much that name exceedes
The name of Lord, so much the more this dutie
Deserves requitall: thanks both, and thanks to all.

ARCHIGALLO: Set on there. (Exeunt all but Lady and Sicophant.)

SICOPHANT: Madam, you are not wise to grieve at that
Heaven hath decreed, and the state yeelded to.
No doubt her Majestie will use you well.

LADY: Well, saiest thou? No, I looke that she should treble
All the disgraces I have layd on her.
I shall turne Laundresse now, and learne to starch
And set, and poke, and pocket up such basenes
As never princesse did. Did you observe
What lookes I cast at Elidure my husband?

SICOPHANT: Your lookes declard the passion of your hart:
They were all fire.|

LADY: Would they had burnt his eyes out,
That hath eclipsd our state and Majestie.

(Enter Queene, Morgan, and Malgo.)

QUEENE: Bring hether the proude wife of Elidure.

SICOPHANT: It shall be done.

QUEENE: Our shoe string is untied, stoope, minion, stoope.

LADY: Ile rather stoope to death, thou moone-like Queene,
New-changd, and yet so proude! There's those are made
For flexure, let them stoope; thus much Ile doe,
You are my Queene, tis but a debt I owe.

QUEENE: Bring me the worke there; I will taske you to
That by the howre; spin it, I charge you, doe.

LADY: A distaffe and a spindle, so indeed!
I told you this! Diana be my speede.

MORGAN: Yet for his Princelie worth that made you Queene,
Respect her, as the wife of Elidure.

(Enter Cornwell.)

CORNWELL: Wheres the Queene?

QUEENE: What newes with Cornwell, why so sad my Lord?

CORNWELL: Your husband on the suddaine is falne sicke.

QUEENE: How? sick?

LADY: Now if it be thy will, sweet blessed heaven,
Take him to mercie!

QUEENE: Doe not heare her prayers, heaven, I beseech thee!

(Enter Martianus.)

MARTIANUS: Madam, his highnes --

QUEENE: Is he alive or dead?

MARTIANUS: Dead, Madam.

QUEENE: O my hart!

CORNWELL: Looke to the Queene, let us not loose her to.
She breathes, stand of! Where be those wemen there?
Good Queene that shall be, lends a helping hand,
Helpe to unlace her.

LADY: Ile see her burst first!

QUEENE: Now, as you love me, let no helping hand
Preserve life in me; I had rather die
Then loose the title of my soveraigntie.

LADY: Take back your Distaffe yet, wele stay our rage,
We will forbeare our spleene, for charitie,
And love unto the dead, till you have hearsd
Your husbands bones. Conduct her, Lords, away;
Our pride, though eager, yet for foode shall stay.

SICOPHANT: Wilt please your high imperiall Majestie
Commaund my service; I am humbly yours.

LADY: We doe commaund what we well know youle doe.
Follow the stronger part, and cleave thereto. (Exeunt.)

(Enter Elidurus crownd, all the Lords and Ladies attendants.)

ELIDURUS: Once more our royall temples are ingirt
With Brittaines golden wreath. All-seeing heaven,
Witnes I not desire this soveraigntie.
But since this kingdoms good, and your Decrees
Have laid this heavy loade of common care
On Elidure, we shall discharge the same
To your content, I hope, and this Lands fame.
Our brother once interd, we will not stay
But then to Troynovant weele speede away. (Exeunt.)

(Enter two Porters.)

1 PORTER: Come fellow Porter, now the Court is heere
Our gaines will flie upon us like a tide.
Let us make use of time, and whilst theres plentie
Stirring in Court, still labour to increase
The wealth which by our office we have got.

2 PORTER: Out of our large alowance we must save
Of thousands that passe by us, and our office;
We will give entertainment to No body.

(Enter Nobody.)

NOBODY: My name is No-body.

1 PORTER: You are welcome sir. Ere you peruse the Court,
Tast the Kings beere at the Porters lodge.
A dish of beere for maister No-body!

NOBODY: I thanke you sir.

2 PORTER: Heere, maister No-body, with all my hart;
A full Carouse, and welcome to our Office.

NOBODY: I thanke you. sir: and were your beere tems water,
Yet Nobody would pledge you. To you sir!

1 PORTER: You are a stranger heere, how in the Citty
Have you bin long in towne?

NOBODY: I sir, too long, unlesse my entertaine
Had bin more pleasing; for my life is sought.
I am a harmelesse well dispos'd plaine man,
That injure none, yet what so ere is done
Amisse in London is impos'd on me.
Be it lying, secret theft, or anything
They call abuse, tis done by Nobody.
I am pursued by all, and now am come
To see what safety is within the Court
For a plaine fellow.

2 PORTER: You are welcome hether, sir.
Methinkes you do looke wilde: as if you wanted
Sufficient sleepe.

NOBODY: O do not blame me, sir.
Being pursued, I fled. Comming through Poules,
There No-body kneeld downe to say his prayers,
And was devout, I wis: comming through Fleetstreet,
There at a tavern doore, two swaggerers
Were fighting; being attacht, twas askt, who gave
The first occasion? twas answered, nobody.
The guilt was laid on me, which made me fly
To the Thems side; desired a Waterman
To row me thence away to Charing-crosse;
He askt me for his fare; I answered him
I had no money; whats your name? quoth he;
I told him Nobody; then he bad me Welcome;
Said he would carry Nobody for nothing.
From thence I went
To see the law Courts, held at Westminster;
There, meeting with a friend, I straight was askt
If I had any sute? I answered, yes,
Marry, I wanted money. Sir, quoth he,
For you, because your name is No-body,
I will sollicit law; and no-body.
Assure yourselfe, shall thrive by sutes in Law.
I thankt him, and so came to see the Court,
Where I am very much beholding to your kindnesse.

1 PORTER: And Maister no-body, you are very welcome.
Good fellow, lead him to the Hall.
Will you walke neare the court?

NOBODY: I thanke you sir. (Exeunt Nobody and Porters.)

(Enter Somebody and a Bragart.)

SOMEBODY: Fie, what a toil it is to find out nobody.
I have dogd him very close, yet is he got into the Court before me.
Sir, you have sworne to fight with nobody;
Do you stay heere, and watch at the court gate,
And when you meet him, challenge him the field,
Whilst I set Lime-twigs for him in all Offices.
If either you or I but prosper right,
He needs must fall by policy or slight. (Exit.)

BRAGGART: I would this round man nobody would come.
I, that professe much valor, yet have none,
Cannot but be too hard for nobody.
For what can be in nobody, unlesse
He be so cald because he is al spirit?
Or say he be all spirit; wanting limbes,
How can this spirit hurt me? Sure he dies;
And by his death my fame shall mount the skies.

(Enter Nobody.)

NOBODY: By thy leave, my sweet friend,
Theres for thy farewell.


NOBODY: Thats but one word; let two go to the bargain,
if it please you. Why should I stay?

BRAGGART: I challenge thee.

NOBODY: I may chuse whither ile answer your chalenge,
by your leave.

BRAGGART: Ile have thee picturd as thy picture, unles thou answer me.

NOBODY: For what sir? pray, why wold you have me printed?

BRAGGART: For cowardice.

NOBODY: Methinkes, your picture would doe better for the picture
of cowardice, then mine sir. But pray, whats your will with me?

BRAGGART: Thou hast abused one Somebody.

NOBODY: So have my betters abusd Sombody in their time.

BRAGGART: Ile fight with thee for that.

NOBODY: Alas, sir, I am nobody at fighting, yet thus much
let me tell you, nobody cannot run away: I cannot budge.

BRAGGART: Prepare thee, then, for I will spit thy body upon
this weapon.

NOBODY: Nay, by faith, that you cannot, for I have no bodye.

BRAGGART: Thy bowels then.

NOBODY: They are the fairer mark, a great deal; com on, sir, come on!

BRAGGART: Have at thy bellie.

NOBODY: You must either hit that, or nothing.

BRAGGART: Ill kill and quarter thee.

NOBODY: Youle hardly find my joynts, I think, to quarter me;
I am so well fed. Come on, sir.

(Fight; nobody is downe.)

BRAGGART: Now thou art at my mercie.

NOBODY: What are you the better to have nobody at your mercy?

BRAGGART: Ile kill thee now.

NOBODY: I thinke youle sooner kill me then any body.
But let me rise againe.

BRAGGART: No, I will let No-body rise.

NOBODY: Why then let me, sir, I am no-body.

(Enter Clowne.)

CLOWNE: How now, O fates, O heavens, is not that my M?
What shall I do? Be valiant, and reskue my sweet maister.
Avant thou Pagan, Pug, what ere thou be!
Behold I come to set thy prisoner free.

BRAGGART: Fortune, that giddy Goddesse, hath turnd her wheel:
I shall be matcht, thus will I gore you both.
Hold, captains!
Not Hercules himself would fight with two.
I yield.

CLOWNE: Twas your best course. Down, vassall, down!
And kisse my pumpe.

BRAGGART: Tis base, O base!

CLOWNE: Zounds, Ile naile thy lips to limbo, unlesse thou kis.

BRAGGART: Tis done.

NOBODY: Thanks, honest servant.

CLOWNE: Zounds, if I say ile doet, ile doet indeed.

NOBODY: For this, Ile carry thee into the Court.
Where thou shall see thy Maister, Nobody,
Hath friends, will bid him welcome. So farewell.

CLOWNE: Farewell, maister Braggart, farewell, farewell. (Exeunt.)

BRAGGART: Ile follow, I shall meet with Some-body
That will revenge. Ile plot, and ert be long,
Ile be reveng'd on Nobody for this wrong. (Exit.)

(Enter Vigenius, Peridure and the Queene.)

QUEENE: Your hopes are great, fair brothers, and your names
Shall, if in this you be advised by us,
Be rankt in scroule of all the Brittish kings.
Oh take upon you this so weighty charge,
To great to be dischargd by Elidure.

VIGENIUS: Deere sister Q. how are we bound to you!
In neerer bonds then a fraternal league,
For this your royall practise to raise us
Unto the height of honor and estate.
Let me no longer breath a prince on earth,
Or thinke me woorthy of your regall blood,
If we imbrace not this high motion.

PERIDURE: Imbrace it brother. We are all on speed;
My princely thought inflamed with Ardency
Of this imperiall state, and Scepterd rule.
My Kinglie browes itch for a stately Crowne;
This hand, to beare a round Monarchall Globe;
This, the bright sword of Justice and stern aw.
Deere sister, you have made me all on fire;
My kingly thoughts, beyond their bounds aspire.

VIGENIUS: How shall we quit your love, when we ascend
The state of Elidure?

QUEENE: All that I crave
Is but to make the imperious Queene my slave,
That she, that above Justice now commands,
May tast new thraldome, at our royall hands.

PERIDURE: The Queene is yours. The King shalbe depos'd,
And she disgraded from all Soveraignty.

QUEENE: That I might live to see the happy houre,
To have that sterne commandresse in my power!

VIGENIUS: Shees doomd alreadie and at your dispose;
And we, prepard for speedy execution
Of any plot, that may availe our pompe,
Or throne us in the state of Brittany.

(Enter Morgan and Malgo.)

PERIDURE: Heere comes the Lords of this pretended league.
How goes our hope? Speake, valiant English Peeres,
Are we in way of Soveraignty? or still stand we
Subjects unto the law of Elidure?

MORGAN: Long live the valiant brothers of the King,
With mutual love to weare the Brittish Crowne.
Two thousand Souldiors have I brought from Wales
To wait upon the princely Peridure.

MALGO: As many of my bold confederates
Have I drawn from the South, to sweare allegiance
To young Vigenius.

VIGENIUS: Do but cal me King,
The charming Spheres so sweetly cannot sing.

MALGO: To King Vigenius.

VIGENIUS: Oh, but wheres our Crowne,
That make knees humble when their soveraignes frowne?

MALGO: King Elidurus shall his state resigne.

PERIDURE: Say Morgan so, and Britains rule is mine.

MORGAN: King Peridure shall raigne.

PERIDURE: And sit in state?

MORGAN: And thousand subjects on his glory waite.

PERIDURE: Then they that lifts us to the imperiall seate,
Our powers and will shall study to make great.

VIGENIUS: And thou that raisest us, as our best friend,
Shall, as we mount, the like degrees ascend.

QUEENE: When will you give the attempt?

PERIDURE: Now, royall sister:
Before the King have notice of our plot.
Before the Lords that love his government
Prepare their opposition.

VIGENIUS: Well determined;
And like a king in Esse, now, this night,
Lets make a hostile uprore in the Court;
Surprize the King; make ceasure of the Crowne;
Lay hands upon the Counsell, least they scape
To levy forces -- Those Lords
That serve the King, and with austere reproofes
Punish the hatefull vices of the Land,
Must not awe us. They shall not raigne. We will
Those that applaud us, raise; despise us, kill.

PERIDURE: I see a kind of state appeare already
In thy majestick brow. Cal in the souldiors,
Man the Court gates, barricade al the streets,
Defend the waies, the lands, and passages;
And girt the pallace with a treble wall
Of armed souldiors; and in dead of night
When all the peeres ly drownd in golden sleepe,
Sound out a sodaine and a shrill Alarum,
To maze them in the midst of horrid dreames.

VIGENIUS: The King and Crowne is ours!

QUEENE: The Queen, I claim.

PERIDURE: It shal go hard, but I the shrew will tame.
Trumpets and drums, your dreadfull clamors sound!

VIGENIUS: Proclaime me captive, or a King new crownd!

(Alarum, they watch the doores, Enter at one doore Cornwell.)

CORNWELL: Treason, treason!

PERIDURE: Thou art mine, what ere thou be.

CORNWELL: Prince Peridure!

PERIDURE: I, Cornwell, and thy king.

CORNWELL: He discourds taught, that taught thee so to sing.

(Alarum, enter at another doore Martianus.)

MARTIANUS: Who stops this passage?

VIGENIUS: Martianus, we.

MARTIANUS: Vigenius?

VIGENIUS: Unto whom thou owest thy knee.

MARTIANUS: My knee to none but Elidure shall bend.

VIGENIUS: Our raign beginning hath when his lines end.

(Alarum. Enter at another doore Lady Elidure, stopt by the Queene.)

LADY: What traitorous hand dares interdict our way?

QUEENE: Why that dare ours, tis we command thee staie.

LADY: Are we not Queene?

QUEENE: Ist you? Then happily met:
I have owed you long, and now Ile pay that dept.

LADY: Vild traitresse, darest thou lay a violent hand
On us thy Queene?

QUEENE: We dare commaund thee stand.
Thou wast a Queene, but now thou art a slave.

LADY: Before such bondage, graunt me, heaven, a grave!

(Alarum, enter Elidure.)

ELIDURE: What seeke ye Lords? What meane these loud Alarums,
In the still silence of this hunnied night?

PERIDURE: King, we seeke thee.

VIGENIUS: And more, we seeke thy Crowne.

ELIDURE: Why, Princely brothers, is it not our owne?
That tis ours, we plead the law of kings,
The guift of heaven, and the antiquity on earth,
Election from them both.

VIGENIUS: We plead our powers and strength, we two must raign.

PERIDURE: We were borne to rule, and homage we disdaine.

CORNWELL: Do not resigne, good King.

PERIDURE: How, saucy Lord?

CORNWELL: Ile keepe still thy Crowne.

PERIDURE: I say that word
Shall cost old Cornwels life.

CORNWELL: Tush, this for care:
Tirants good subjects kills, and traitors spare.

VIGENIUS: Wilt thou submit thy Crowne?

MARTIANUS: Dread soveraigne, no.

VIGENIUS: He hates his own life that adviseth so.

MARTIANUS: I hate all traitors, and had rather die
Then see such wrong done to his soveraignty.

QUEENE: Give up thy state to these two princely youthes,
And thy resigment shal preserve thy life.

LADY: Wilt thou so much wrong both thyself and wife?
Hast lived a king, and canst thou die a slave?
A royal seat doth aske a royall grave.
Though thousand swords thy present safety ring,
Thou that has bin a Monarch, dye a king!

QUEENE: Whether he live or dye, thou sure shalt be
No longer Queene, but Vassayle unto me.
Ile make ye now my drudge.

LADY: How, mynion, thine?

QUEENE: Thart no more Queen: Thy husband must resigne.

CORNWELL: Resigne? to whom?

PERIDURE: I am one.

VIGENIUS: And I another.

LADY: Canst be so base to see a younger brother,
Nay, two young Boyes plast in thy throne of state?
And thou, their sodaine , in their traines to waite?
Ile dye before I endure it.

PERIDURE: So shall all,
That do not prostrate to our homage fall.
Shall they not brother King?

VIGENIUS: They shall, by heaven!

MARTIANUS: Come, kill me first.

CORNWELL: Nay make the number even,
And kill me to, for I am pleasd to dye,
Rather then this indure.

LADY: The third am I.

QUEENE: Nay strike her first.

PERIDURE: Rage, give my fury way.

VIGENIUS: Strike, valiant brother king.

ELIDURE: Yet heare me, stay!

PERIDURE: Be brief, for Gods sake, then.

ELIDURE: O heaven, that men so much should covet care!
Septers are golden baites, the outsides faire:
But he that swallowes this sweete sugred pill,
Twill make him sicke with troubles that grow, stil.
Alasse, you seeke to ease me, being wearied,
And lay my burthen on your able loines!
My unambitious thoughts have bin long tird
With this great charge, and now they rest desird.
And see the kinde youths coveting my peace.
Bring me of all these turmoiles free release.
Here, take my Crown.

LADY: Wilt thou be made a stale?
Shall this proud woman, and these boyes, prevaile?
Shal I, for them, be made a publike scorne?
Oh, hadst thou buried bin as soone as borne,
How happy had I bin!

ELIDURE: Patience, sweete wife:
Thinkst thou I praise my Crowne above thy life?
No, take it Lords, it hath my trouble bin,
And for this crowne, oh give me back my Queene.

QUEENE: Nay, shes bestowed on me.

ELIDURE: Then what you pleese:
Here take my trouble, and resigne your ease.

SICOPHANT: My Lords, receive the crowne of Elydure.
Faire hopefull blossoms of our future peace,
Happy am I, that I but live to see
The Land ruld by your dubble soveraignty.

VIGENIUS: Now let the king discend, to be disposd of
At our high pleasure. Come, give me the Crowne.

PERIDURE: Why you the Crown, good brother, more then we?

VIGENIUS: Weele prove it, how it fits our kingly temples,
And how our brow becomes a wreath so faire.

PERIDURE: Shall I see you crownd, and my selfe stand bare?
Rather this wreath majestick let me try,
And sit inthrond in pompious Majesty.

VIGENIUS: And I attend whilst you ascend the throne?
Where, had we right we should sit crownd alone.

PERIDURE: Alone? darst thou usurpe upon my right?

VIGENIUS: I durst do much, had I but power and might.
But wanting that, come, let us raigne togither,
Both Kings, and yet the rich crowne worne by neither.

PERIDURE; Content. The king doth on our sentence waite;
To doome him, come, lets take our dubble state.
What, shall he live or dye?

ELIDURE: I know not how I should deserve to dye.

LADY: Yes, to let two such usurpers live.

SICOPHANT: Nay, Madam, now I needes must tell your grace,
You wrong these kings, forget both time and place.
It is not as it was; now you must bowe
Unto this dubble state; Ile shew you how.

LADY: Base flattring groome! slavish parasite!

VIGENIUS: Shall I pronounce his sentence?

PERIDURE: Brother, doe.

VIGENIUS: Thy life we graunt thee and that Womans to;
But live devided, you within the Tower,
You, prisoner to that princesse.

LADY: In her power?

Oh dubble slavery!

PERIDURE: Convay both hence.

ELIDURE: My doomes severer then my small offence.

QUEENE: Come, Minion, will you goe?

LADY: To death, to hel,
Rather then in thy base subjection dwell.

VIGENIUS: Cornwell and Martianus, you both see
We are possest of this imperiall seate;
And you that were sworne liedgemen to the Crowne
Should now submit to us that owe the same.
We know, without your grave directions,
We cannot with experience guide the land,
Therefore weele study to deserve your loves.

PERIDURE: Twas not ambition, or the love of state,
That drew us to this businesse, but the feare
Of Elidurus weakenesse, whom, in zeal
To the whole land, we have deposd this day.
Speake, shall we have your loves?

CORNWELL: My lords and kings,
Tis bootlesse to contend gainst heaven and you.
Since without our consen
t the kings deposd,
And we unable to support his fall,
Rather then the whole land should shrinke
You shall have my assystance in the state.

MARTIANUS: Cornwell and I will beare the self same state.

PERIDURE: We now are Kings indeede, and Brittaine sway
When Cornwell and his brother Vive say.

VIGENIUS: Receive our grace, keepe still your offyces,
Imbrace these peeres that raisd us to the throne.
Brittaine rejoice, and Crowne this happy yeare,
Two sonnes at once shine in thy royall sphere!

CORNWELL: And thats prodigious! I but waite the time,
To see their sodaine fall, that swiftly clime.

MARTIANUS: My Lord, much honor might you win your land,
To give release unto your sister Queene,
Being a Lady in the land beloved.

VIGENIUS: You have advisd us well, it shall be so.

CORNWELL: Shold you set free the Princesse, might not she
Make uprors in the land, and raise the Commons,
In the releasment of the Captive King?

PERIDURE: Well counseld, Cornwell, she shall live in bondage.

MARTIANUS: Renowne yourselfe by being kind to her.

CORNWELL: Secure your state by her imprisonment.

VIGENIUS: Weele have the Queene set free

PERIDURE: Weele have her guarded
With stricter keeping and severer charge.

MARTIANUS: Will you be braved by one thats but your equall,
Having no more then party government?

CORNWELL: Or you be scornd by one to you inferior,
In generall estimation of the land?

VIGENIUS: Set free the Princesse; say the king commands.

PERIDURE: Keepe her in thraldome still, and captive bands.

VIGENIUS: Weele not be countermaunded.

PERIDURE: Sir, nor we.

VIGENIUS: Before Ile be halfe a king, and contrould
In any regality, ile hazard all.
Ile be compleat, or none.

PERIDURE: Before ile stand
Thus for a Cipher, with my halfe command,
Ile venture all my fortunes. How now, Pride,
Percht on my upperhand?

CORNWELL: (Aside.) By heaven, well spyed.

VIGENIUS: Tis ours by right, and right we wil injoy.

PERIDURE: Claimst thou preheminence? Come down proud boy!

VIGENIUS: Then lets try maistries, and one conquer all.
We climd at once, and we at once wil fall.
(They wrastle, and are parted.)

PERIDURE: They that love Peridure devide themselves
Uppon their part.

CORNWELL: That am I.


VIGENIUS: They that love us, on this side.



VIGENIUS: Then to the field, to set our sister free!

PERIDURE: By all my hopes, with her Ile captive thee!

VIGENIUS: Trumpets and Drums, triumphant musick sing!

PERIDURE: This day a captive, or a compleat king! (Exeunt.)

(Alarum. Enter Somebody and Sicophant.)

SOMEBODY: Sir you have sworne to manage these affaires,
Even with your best of judgement.

(Enter Clowne.)

SICOPHANT: I have, provided you will let me share
of the grand benefit you get by dice,
Deceitfull Cards, and other cozening games
You bring into the Court.

CLOWNE: O rare! Now shall I find out crab, som notable knavery.

SOMEBODY: You shall have equall share with Somebody.
Provided you will help to apprehend that Nobody,
On whom the guilt shall lye,
Of all those cheting tricks I have devisd.

CLOWNE: O, the fates! treason against my m. person! But I beleeve
Somb. will pay fort. Ile tickle your long wast for this, ifaith.

SICOPHANT: Give me some bales of dice. What are these?

SOMEBODY: Those are called high Fulloms.

CLOWNE: Ile Fullom you for this.

SOMEBODY: Those low Fulloms.

CLOWNE: They may chance bring you as hie as the Gallowes.

SOMEBODY: These Demi-bars.

CLOWNE: Great reason you should come to the barre
before the gallowes.

SOMEBODY: Those bar Sizeaces.

CLOWNE: A couple of Asses, indeed.

SOMEBODY: Those Brisle dice.

CLOWNE: Tis like they brisle, for I am sure theile breed anger.

SICOPHANT: Now, sir, as you have compast all the Dice,
So I for cards. These for the game at maw:
All saving one, are Cut next under that.
Lay me the Ace of Harts, then cut the Cards,
O your fellow must needs have it in his first tricke.

CLOWNE: Ile teach you a trick for this, yfaith.

SICOPHANT: These for Premero; cut upon the sides,
As the other on the ends.

CLOWNE: Marke the end of all this.

SICOPHANT: These are for post and paire. These for saunt.
These for new cut.

CLOWNE: Theile make you cut a fether, one day.

SICOPHANT: Well, these disperst, and Nobody attacht,
For all these crimes, shall be hangd.

CLOWNE: I, or els you, shall hange for him.

SICOPHANT: Come, shals about our business?

SOMEBODY: Content, lets straight about it. (Exeunt.)

CLOWNE: O, my hart! that it was my fortune to heare all thys; but
beware a lucky man whilst you live. Alasse, if I had not rescued
my maister, the swaggering fellowe would have made Nobody of
him. Againe, if I had not overheard this treason to his person,
these Cunnicatching knaves would have made less than Nobody
of him; for indeed, they wold have hangd him. But heeres my
maister. O, sweete maister, how cheere you?

(Enter Nobody.)

NOBODY: O excellent, admirable, and beyond comparison!
I thinke my shape inchants them.

CLOWNE: I think not so, for if I wer a Lady I should never abide
you: But Maister, I can tell you rare newes; you must be apprehended
for a Cheater, a Cozener, a Libiller, and I know not what.

NOBODY: Not I, I am an innocent, no Cheater, No Cozener, but a
simple honest man, hunted from place to place by Somebody.

CLOWNE: 'Tis true sir, it is one som. that would attach you, therefore
looke to your selfe. But Mai., if you be tooke, never feare, I heard
all their knavery, and I can cleare you, I warrant.

(Enter Somebody, and officers.)

SOMEBODY: O have I found you? This is he, my frends ,
We have long sought: you know when twas inquird
Who brought the false Dice and the cheating cards
Into the court, twas answered Nobody.

CLOWNE: No. I am affraid youle prove the knave som.

SOMEBODY: Lay hold upon him; beare him to the prison.

NOBODY: To prison -- say you well? If I be guilty,
This fellow is my partner; take him to.

SOMEBODY: Are you confederate in this treason sirra?

CLOWNE: If I be not, sir, somebody is, but if I be guilty
I must beare it off with head and shoulders.

SOMEBODY: To prison with them! Now the bird is caught
For whom so long through Britaine have I sought.

CLOWNE: I beleeve I have a bird in a box shall catcht you for all this.

SOMEBODY: Away with them I say! (Exeunt.)

(Enter, severally, Peridure, Vigenius, Cornewell, Martianus,, Malgo, with drum and Coulors.)

VIGENIUS: In Armes well met, ambitious Peridure.

PERIDURE: Vigenius, thou salutes me with a title
Most proper to thy selfe.

VIGENIUS: ~~ Art thou not proud?

PERIDURE: Onely to meet thee on this bed of death,
Wherein the Title to the English Crowne
Shall perish with thy selfe.

: ~~ Faire is the end
Of such as die in honourable warre;
Oh far more faire then on a bed of downe.

MARTIANUS: Warre is the souldiors harvest: it cuts downe --

PERIDURE: The lives of such as hinder our renowne.

VIGENIUS: Such as are apt for tumult --

PERIDURE: Such as you,
That to our lawfull Soveraigne are untrue.

VIGENIUS: Blushes not Peridure, to brave us so?

PERIDURE: Blushes, Vigenius -- at thy overthrow.
Who wast that told me he would submit?

SICOPHANT: Twas I, my Lord.

VIGENIUS: Peace foole! thou dost forget
Tis not an hower since, to our princely eare,
Thou saidst thou didst desire us to forbeare.

SICOPHANT: True, my good Lord.

PERIDURE: True, that I sought to stay.

VIGENIUS: That I would basely my ritcht hopes betray.

SICOPHANT: I did it of mine own head, to make you friends.

PERIDURE: Still playing of the Sicophant.

VIGENIUS: What still?

PERIDURE: A glose, I see, to insinuate our goodwill.

VIGENIUS: That whosoever conquerd, he might gaine.

PERIDURE: The favour of us both, that was his trayne.

VIGENIUS: But henceforth we cashiere thee from the filde.

PERIDURE: Never heerafter beare a souldiers shield,
A souldiers sword, nor any other grace,
But what is like thine owne, a doubble face.

SICOPHANT: Now I beseech Jove heare my praier,
let them bee both slaine in the battell! (Exit.)

PERIDURE: If there be any other of his hart,
We give them free licence to depart.

CORNWELL: Cornwell hates flattery.

MARTIANUS: So does Martianus.

MALGO: Malgo is resolute for all affaires.

MORGAN: And so is Morgan, for he scornes delayes.

VIGENIUS: Then, where the fielde consists of such a spirit,
He that subdues conquers the Crowne by merit.



PERIDURE: Ryvers in blood declare it!

VIGENIUS: Grasse turne to crimson if Vigenius spare it!

PERIDURE: Aire be made purple with our reaking gore.

VIGENIUS: Follow, my friends.

PERIDURE: Conquer, or neare give ore.

(Alarum, Excursions, Peridurus and Vigenius fight, and both slaine. Enter Cornwell, Martianus, Morgan and Malgo.)

MARTIANUS: This way I saw Vigenius, on the spur.

CORNWELL: I Peridurus, this way.

MORGAN: A strang sight! My Lord is breathlesse.

MALGO: My deare Lord is dead!

MARTIANUS: True brothers in ambition, and in death.

CORNWELL: Yet we are enemies, why fight we not
With one another for our generals losse?

MARTIANUS: Too much blood already hath beene spent,
Now, therefore, since the difference in themselves
Is reconsiled in eithers overthrow,
Let us be as we were before this Jar;
And joyning hands like honorable frends,
Inter their bodyes, as becomes their state,
And (which is rare) once more to Elidure,
Who now in prison leades a wearied life,
With true submission, offer Englands Crowne.
Of all the charges of tumultuous fate
This is most strange, three times to flow in state. (Exeunt.)

(Enter Queene and Sicophant.)


QUEENE: You are welcome; what new flatteries
Are a coyning in the mint of that smoth face?

SICOPHANT: Where is the Lady Elidor, I pray?

QUEENE: Amongst my other waiting maides at worke.

SICOPHANT: Tis well. Yet, Madam, with your gratious leave,
I wish it better.

QUEENE: What, in love with her?
Canst thou affect such a dejected wretch?
Then I perceive thy flattery is folly,
Or thout prove honest, loving one so poore.

SICOPHANT: I know not, Madam, what your highnesse gathers
Out of my troubled words; I love you well;
And though the time should alter, as I am sure
It is impossible, yet I would follow
All your misfortunes with a patient hart.

QUEENE: I have seene too much of thee, to credit thee.

SICOPHANT: Now in your height of glory use your servant,
Now Madam, whilst the noble Peridure,
That loves you dearer then the Brittish Crowne,
Whilst hees conqueror, use me to destroy
Your greatest enemy, and I will doe it.

QUEENE: Thou wilt not.

SICOPHANT: Be it Elidure the king,
The prisoner I should say, Ide murder him,
To shew how much I love your majesty.

QUEENE: Thou wouldst not poyson for me his base Queene,
Whom I so often have triumphed ore,
That torment now is her beatitude
And tedious unto me?

SICOPHANT: No more; shes dead.

(Enter Lady Elidure.)

QUEENE: See where she comes, dispatch her presently.
For, though the Princely Peridure be King,
His brothers death, in time, will make him odious
Unto his subjects, and they may restore
Mild Elidure againe; and then I dye.

SICOPHANT: Withdraw, shes dead, as surely as you live.

LADY: What, shall I never from this servitude
Receive releasant? Evermore be plagud
With this insulting Queen? Is there no change,
No other alteration in the state?
I know there is not. I am borne to be
A slave, to one baser than slavery.

SICOPHANT: I will release you, by a speedy death.

LADY: By death? alasse, what tongue pronounst that word?
What! my Lord weather-cocke? nay then I see
Death in thy mouth is but base flattery.

SICOPHANT: By heaven, I am sent to kill you.

LADY: By whose meanes?

SICOPHANT: By one that will avouch it, when tis done.

LADY: Not the proud queene?

SICOPHANT: Yes; but I am determined
In full amends for all my flattery,
To save your life, and kill her instantly.

LADY: Oh if a Divell would undertake that deed!
I cared not though she heard me, I would say
He were a starre, more glorious than the day.

SICOPHANT: And would you for that good deed pardon me?

LADY: And quite all former injury.

SICOPHANT: But let me tell your highnes, by the way,
The Queene is not so hasty of your death.

LADY: No, for she had rather have my life prolongd.

SICOPHANT: I do assure your highnes, on mine honor,
When I did say she sent me to destroy you,
I slaunderd her great mercy towards you;
For she had given me order to release you.

LADY: O monstrous lie!

SICOPHANT: Beleeve it, for tis true.
And this moreover; she so much repents
Her former pride and hardnes, towards you,
That she could wish it never had bin done.

LADY: Then, I repent me of my wrongs towards her;
And, in the stead of a reward proposd
To him that should destroy her, I do wish,
Death be his death, that undertakes the deed.

SICOPHANT: But will you not forget these princelie words,
If any alteration should ensue?

LADY Not I, I in my oths am true.

SICOPHANT: Except once more the Lords crowne Elydure?

LADY: Though that should chance, ile hold my promise sure.

SICOPHANT: And you, too, Madam?

QUEENE: So thou murderst hir.

SICOPHANT: Know that Lord Peridurus and his brother
Are in the battell slaine: and by the nobles,
Her husband, Elidure, raisd to the state.
Setting aside all all jesting, Queene, beleeve it,
And truce with her, least she triumph againe.

QUEENE: For Gods sake make us friends.

SICOPHANT: Good Lord, how strange this reconciled foes
Behold each other!

LADY: Sister.

QUEENE: Kind Sister.

SICOPHANT: Then make me your brother. Say, are you friends?

BOTH: We are.

SICOPHANT: Then, chance what can,
In this I have proovd myselfe an honest man.

(Enter Malgo.)

MALGO: The king your husband, madam, new releast,
Desires your presence at his Coronation.

LADY: My Elydure a third time to be crownd!

MALGO: True, Madam, and expects your company.

LADY: And you knew this before?

SICOPHANT: No, on mine honor.

LADY: Neither you, Sister?

QUEENE: Neither.

LADY: If you did,
My oath is past, and what I have lately sworne
Ile hold inviolate. Here all stryfe ends:
Thy wit has made two proude shrewes perfect friends. (Exeunt.)

(Enter, in state, Elidure, Cornwell, Martianus, Morgan and all the Lords.)

CORNWELL: A third time live our gratious soveraigne
Monarch of England, crowned by these hands!

ELIDURE: A third time, Lords, I do returne your love,
And wish it with my soule, so heaven were pleasd,
My ambitious Brothers had not died for this.
But we have given them honorable graves.

(Enter Queen and Lady.)

And mournd their most untimely funerall.
My loved Queen, come seat thee by my side,
Partner in all my sorrowes and my joyes;
And you, her reconciled Sister, sit
By her, in second place of majesty;
It joyes me that you have outworne your pride.

LADY: Methinks, my gratious husband and my King,
I never tooke more pleasure in my glasse,
Then I receive in her society.

QUEENE: Nor I in all my state as in her love.

ELIDURE: My Lord of Cornwell, whose that whispers to you?
Or whats the newes?

CORNWELL: My liege, he tells me heeres a great contention
Betwixt two noted persons of the land,
Much spoke of by all states; one Somebody
Hath brought before your highnes, and this presence,
An infamous and strange opiniond fellow
Cald Nobody: they would intreat your highnes
To heare their matters scand.

ELIDURE: Weele sit in person on their controversies.
Admit them Cornwell.

LADY: Is that strange monster tooke, so much renownd
In Citty, Court and Country for lewd prancks?
Tis well, weel heare how he can purge himselfe.

(Enter Somebody, bringing in Nobody and his man, with Billes and staves.)

SOMEBODY: Now sirrha, we have brought you before the King.
Wheres your hart now?

NOBODY: My harts in my hose; but my face was never ashamed to
shew itselfe yet, before king or keyser.

SOMEBODY: And where's your hart, sirrha?

CLOWNE: My harts lower then my hose, for mine is at my heel;
but whersoever it is, it is a true hart, and so is not somb.

SOMEBODY: Health to your Majestie, and to the Queene!
With a hart lower than this humble earth,
Whereon I kneele, I beg against this fellow
Justice, my liege.

ELIDURE: Against whom?

SOMEBODY: Against Nobody.

NOBODY: My liege, his words wel sute unto his thoughts;
He wishes no man Justice, being composd
Of all deceit, of subtilty and slight.
For mine own part, if in this royall presence,
And before all these true judiciall Lords,
I cannot with sincerenes clere myselfe
Of all suggestions falsly coynd against me,
Let me be hangd up sunning in the ayre,
And made a scar-crow.

MARTIANUS: Lets heare his accusations;
And then how well thou canst aquit thy selfe.

SOMEBODY: First: when this monster made his residence
Within the country, and disperst his shape
Through every shire and country of the Land,
Where plenty had before a quiet seat,
And the poore commons of the Land were full
With rich abundance and satiety,
At his arrive, great dearths, and scarsity,
By ingrosing corne, and racking poore mens rents.
This makes so many poore and honest Farmers
To sell their leases, and to beg their bread;
This makes so many beggers in the Land.

CORNWELL: I, but what proofe, or lawfull evidence,
Can you being forth that this was done by him?

SOMEBODY: My Lord, I tras't him, and so found him out;
But should your Lordship not beleeve my proofe,
Examine all the rich and wealthy chuffes,
Whose full cramd Garners to the roofes are fild,
In every dearth, who makes this scarsitye,
And every man will clearely quit himselfe:
Then, consequently, it must be Nobody.
Base copper money is stampt, the mint disgrast --
Make search who doth this, every man cleares one:
So, consequently, it must be Nobody.
Besides, whereas the nobles of the land
And Gentlemen built goodly maner houses,
Fit to receive a king and all his traine,
And there kept royall hospitality:
Since this intestine monster, No-body,
Dwels in these goodly houses, keepes no traine
A hundred Chimnies, and not one cast smoke
And now the cause of these, mock-begger Hal,
Is this, they are dwelt in by Nobody.
For this out of the countrey he was chast.

NOBODY: My royall liedge, whie am I thus disgrast?
Ile prove that slandrous wretch hath this al done.

ELIDURE: Tis good you can acquit you. Such abuses
Grow in the countrey, and unknowne to us!
Nay then, no marvell that so manie poore
Starve in the streets, and beg from doore to doore.
Then, sirha, purge you from this countrey blame,
Or we will make thee the worlds publike shame.

CORNWELL: Now, Nobody, what can you say to this?

CLOWNE: My M. hath good cards on his side, Ile warrant him.

NOBODY: My Lord, you know that slanders are no proofes:
Nor words, without their present evidence.
If things were done, they must be done by Somebody,
Else could they have no being. Is corne hoorded?
Somebody hords it, else it would be delt
In mutual plentie throughout all the land.
Are their rents raisd? If Nobody should doe it,
Then should it be undone. Is
Base money stampt, and the kings letters forgd?
Somebody needes must doe it, therefore not I.
And where he saies, great houses long since built
Lye destitute and wast, because inhabited
By Nobody; my liedge I answer thus.
If Somebody dwelt therein I would give place:
Or wold he but alow those chimnies fire
They would cast cloudes to heaven; the kitchin, foode
It would releeve the poore; the cellars beere
It would make strangers drinke. But he commits
These outrages, then laies the blame on me;
And for my good deeds I am made a scorne.
I onely give the tired a refuge seat,
The unclothed, garments, and the starved, meate.

CLOWNE: How say you by this maister Somebody? I beleeve
you will be found out by and by.

CORNWELL: If this be true my liedge, as true it is,
Somebody will be found an arrant cheater,
Unlesse he better can acquit himselfe.

SICOPHANT: Tuch him with the citty, since you have
taken the foile in the countrey.

MARTIANUS: Sirha, what can you say to this?

SOMEBODY: What should I saie, my Lord? see heare complaints
Made in the citty against no-body,
As well as in the countrey. See their bils;
Heeres one complaines his wife hath bin abroad,
And asking where she revels night by night:
She answeres she hath bin with nobody.
Heares queanes maintaind in every suburb streete;
Aske who maintaines them, and tis nobody.
Watches are beaten, and constables are scoft
In dead of night; men are made drunke in taverns,
Girles loose their maiden heads at thirteene yeares,
Pockets pickt, and purses cut in throngs --

QUEENE: Inough, inough! Doth nobody all this?
Though he hath cleard himselfe from country crimes,
He cannot scape the citty.

NOBODY: Yes, dread Queene,
I must confess these things are daily done,
For which I heere accuse this Somebody,
That everywhere with slaunders dogs my steps,
And cunnimgly assumes my borrowed shape.
Women lie out; if they be tooke and found
With somebody, then No-body goes cleere;
Else the blames mine. He doth these faults unknowne,
Then slanders my chast innocence for proofe.
Somebody doth maintaine a common strumpet
Ith Garden-allies, and undid himself;
Somebody swaggered with the watch last night,
Was carried to the counter; Somebody
Once pickt a pocket in this Play-house yard,
Was hoysted on the stage, and shamd about it.

CLOWNE: Ha, ha! hath my maister met with you?

NOBODY: Alasse, my liege, your honest Nobodie
Builds Churches, in these dayes, and Hospitals;
Releeves the severall prisons in the Citty;
Redeemes the needy debtor from the hole --
And when this somebody brings infant children,
And leaves them in the night at strangers doores,
Nobody fathers them, provides them nurses --
What should I say? Your highnes love I crave,
That am all just!

CORNWELL: Then somebodies a knave.

SICOPHANT: If neither citty nor countrie will prevaile, to him
With the court ma. somebody, and there you will match him.

SOMEBODY: Then touching his abuses in the court --

CORNWELL: I, marrie, Nobody, what say you to this?
See, heere are dangerous Libils gainst the state,
And no name to them, therefore nobodies.

MARTIANUS: Besides, strange rumors and false buzzing tales
of mutinous leasings raisd by Nobody.

MALGO: False dice and cheating brought even to the presence!
And who dares be so impudently knavish,
Unlesse some fellow of your name and garbe?

MORGAN: Cards of advantage, with such cheating tricks,
Brought even amongst the noblest of the land,
And when these cosening shifts are once discovered
There is no cheater found save Nobody.

SOMEBODY: How canst thou answer these?

NOBODY: ~~ Even as the rest.
Are libels cast? If nobody did make them
And nobodies name to them, they are no libels.
For he that sets his name to any slander
Makes it by that no libell. This aproves
He forgd those slanderous writs to scandall me;
And for false cards and dice, let my great slops,
And his big bellied dublet both be sercht,
And see which harbors most hipocrisie.

QUEENE: Let them both be sercht.

SICOPHANT: Ile take my leave of the presence.

CLOWNE: Nay, M. Sicophant, weele have the inside of your pockets
translated to, weele see what stuffyng they have; Ile take a little
paines with you.

ELIDURE: What have you in there in nobodyes pockets?

CORNWELL: Here are, my liedge, bonds, forfeit by poore men,
Which he releast out of the usurers hands,
And canceld. Leases, likewise forfeited,
By him repurchast. These peitions,
Of many poore men, to preferre their sutes
Unto your highnesse.

ELIDURE: Thou art just, we know;
All great mens pockets should be lined so.

QUEENE: What bumbast beares his gorge?

MORGAN: False Cards, false Dice;
The kings hand, counterfeit;
Bonds put in sute, to gaine the forfitures;
Forgd deedes, to cheate men of their ancient land;
And thousand such like trashe.

CLOWNE: Nay, looke you heere! heares one that, for his bones, is
pretily stuft. Heares fulloms and gourds; heeres tall-men and
low-men; Heere trayduce ace, passedge comes a pace.

SOMEBODY: Mercy, great King!

SICOPHANT: Mercy, my Soveraigne!

CORNWELL: My liedge, you cannot to be severe in punishing
Those monstrous crimes, the onely staine and blemish
to the weale publike.

ELIDURE: Villaines, heare your doome.
Thou that hast bin the oppressyon of the poore,
Shalt bee more poore than penury itselfe.
All that thou hast, is forfit to the Law.
For thy extortion, I will have thee branded
Upon the forhead with the letter F;
For cheating, whipt; for forging, loose thine eares;
Last, for abasing of thy Soveraignes Coyne,
And traitrous impresse of our Kingly seale,
Suffer the death of traitors. Beare him hence.

SOMEBODY: Since I must needs be marterd, graunt me this;
That Nobody may whip, or torture, me,
Or hang me for a traitor.

MORGAN: A way with him.

SOMEBODY: Or if needs I must dye a traitors death;
That Nobody may see me when I dye.

MALGO: Hence with the traitor.

CLOWNE: I know by your complexion, you were ripe for the hangman;
but now to this leane Gentleman.

LADY: Let me doome him, smoth spaniel, soothing grome,
Slicke, oyly knave, egregious parasite!
Thou turning vane, and changing Weather-cocke,
My sentence is, thou shalt be naked stript,
And by the citty beadles soundly whipt.

CLOWNE: Ile make bold to see the execution.

NOBODY: Well hath the king decreed. Now, by your highnesse
patience, let Nobody borrow a word or two of Every-body.


Heer, if you wonder why the king Elidurus bestowes nothing on me, for all my good services in his land, if the multitude shuld say he hath preferd Nobody, Somebody or other would say it were not well done, for, in doing good to No-body, he should be get himselfe an il name. Therefore, I will leave my sute to him, and turne to you. Kinde Gentleman, if any-body heere dislike No-body, then I hope Every-body have pleased you, for being offended with nobody, not Anybody can finde himselfe agrieved. Gentlemen, they have a cold sute that have no-body to speak in their cause, and therefore blame us not to feare. Yet our comfort is this. If no-body have offended, you cannot blame Nobody for it, or rather we will find Somebody hereafter, shall make good the fault that no-body hath done; and so, I crave the generall grace of Every-body.

ELIDURE: Now forward Lords, long may our glories stand, Three sundry times Crownd King of this faire land.



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